I dont think anyone has been through this. oldnshy: Ok, here goes.... I am a married man and just had a 4 yr affair end. I feel I can already hear some say dont even look here for sympathy or help or whatever. The reasons the affair started were no doubt something missing in the marriage. This affair has caused me two years of total hell and I look at it like I really deserve it for the disrespect I have shown my wife. Do I love my wife....I honestly feel I do. It's hard to fathom that I am in therapy for the end of an affair while being married for 16 years to a really wonderful woman. Yeah, there's plenty of guilt there. The affair ended because of my spying and what I call pseudo stalking to check up on her due to numerous suspicions. (I have NEVER checked up on my wife and trust her explicitly.) I think it all came down to the fact that she is a big flirt and what my therapist calls histrionic. I dont think I ever trusted her at all due to so many little white lies, etc etc. Her histrionic coupled with my mild OCD is a volotile mix. The affair with this married woman was wrong, totally wrong and I know that. But that doesn't mean there is no pain associated with this break-up. All the same symptoms are there, the pain, the knot in the stomach, the depression, the weight loss, all of it. So here I sit..in therapy trying to figure myself out, married to a wonderful woman that I dont appreciate as much as I should, and losing sleep over an affair with a damn co-worker that I see every damn day who still wants to be "friends", whatever that is. I feel dazed, confused, guilty, and yet feel that I deserve it and have to suffer through this due to what I have done. I dont want a divorce and I want to find a way to make my marriage as good as possible. I don't ever want to go through this pain again and hope to god I learn from this lesson and never ever get involved with anyone. AT this point I dont know if I can even keep my job and at 55 its a bit difficult to find another one and start over. Has anyone ever been in a totally messed situation like this? Thanks for listening..........
Re: I dont think anyone has been through this. Samarra: Welcome.
I think some would not give a cheater any sympathy when they show NO remorse and put the brunt of the responsiblty for the affair soley on their spouse. This is not your case.
I hear you saying you know it was wrong....plus you're in therapy....which is great!
None of us has the right to judge any one else if we haven't experienced their life or pain.
I hope the therapy helps you to not only get over this drama queen but I hope you find the reasons you felt the need to go astray in the first place. Trying to solve problems in a relationship by going outside the relationship to another only creates more problems....which I'm sure you know all too well.
I'm sorry for the pain you're in right now and I wish you nothing but the best. Stick around and keep posting.....it's also a great outlet.
Good Luck!
Re: I dont think anyone has been through this. kirkmail: Well you certainly wanted to have it all, and I wonder how good it was when you did (have it all). I would think it must have taken a heck of a lot of energy. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I were you. Some people can have affairs and not feel guilt at all. My father was one who viewed them as conquests, and to this day, he is prowd of his trists throught the years. (And) as a matter of fact, my mother and father are very happily married and have a wonderful life. My mother is fully aware.
So who knows what works.
As far as I'm concerned, and what I would suggest for you, is try to focus on doing what is right. If you sneak around and try to have it all, you will eventually lose. Plus, try to focus on what is fair for all parties involved.
Simplify your life, do what's right. Don't be a "shlep" (good, old fashion word). Be good to people.
Good luck with your life, but make some changes to be a better person.
Re: I dont think anyone has been through this. Alone with 3: I'm new too. Sorry for your situation. My husband had an affair and honestly I think it was that whole "mid-life crisis" thing. He got the wife, then the house, the kids, a bigger house and then it just boiled down to the daily grind of going to work and taking care of a family of 5. I could see him getting dissallusioned and my mom even said to me that she thought he was going through that crisis and warned me that he might look for attention elsewhere. So of course I poured it on him and in the end it didn't stop him from having the affair. I think he regrets it...even though he won't admit it to me but my whole point is that he was trying to fill a void in his life with SOMEONE and that attention temporarily made him happy but in the end, someone else can't make you happy over the long haul...that has to come from you. This is a great oppotunity for you to redefine yourself and find out what (not who) will make you happy. Good luck on your journey.
Re: I dont think anyone has been through this. oldnshy: Well first of all I want to say thanks for not blasting me. That does mean something to me. To Samara, thanks for not judging, I've done enough of that myself and I don't like who I am for what I did. And no, I don't want sympathy. I made this bed and I will lay in it. The therapy helps immensely to understand the why...but I know I need to work on making sure it never happens again. To meetmeinmemphis...To this day I don't know why the affair started and yes, the amount of emotional energy I've spent on this totally messed up situation is crazy, totally nuts. It should have been spent on improving my marriage and that is where I'm going. I swear this will never happen again. I honestly hope the guilt and pain of this "break-up" will be bad memory someday, but also a reminder of what not to do. My wife is a wonderful woman and fantastic mother and grandmother. I think the only time I have been a "shlep" is with this current situation. I truly am a very compassionate person, almost to a fault. I cannot even say no to the affair person when she asks me for favors. For some sick reason I am still trying to be her friend of totally distancing myself from her. And of course its very hard to do when she works with me and on my projects. I just feel I have to stick this out with her there and eventually get to the point I want to be at in my life. I know that might be a big mistake.... To Alone with 3, thanks for your response and I do sympathize with your situation. In todays world I can't even imagine being a single mother of 3. My hat is off to you! I will take this opportunity and this therapy and do what I have to do, even though at this point I'm not 100% sure what all that is. Your right on about finding out what makes me happy and that can be difficult also. Again, thanks to all for listening, the journey begins....
PS My wife is out in Ohio visiting her mom and god I miss her. I text messaged her today just to tell her I love her and miss her. I owe her big time.
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