Re: I dont think anyone has been through this. charmed: Welcome to Ojaroo oldnshy ;D
I'm not here to bash because as humans, we all falter. What you did wasn't right, but you know this. You seem genuinely remorseful and are in need of help. You have learned one of the best lessons, but in the most difficult way. Guilt, regret, loss and shame are a great punishment, but they can be a vivid reminder to never cross that destructive path again.
It's good that you are in therapy and recognize your mistakes as well as the desire to resolve whatever issues lie within.
You may not be able to change jobs and be away from this woman, but you have to be firm in not allowing yourself to do what is destructive to both yourself and your wife. You have to be convicted in your heart and your psyche not to allow yourself to cross boundaries. You have to set those boundaries.
The more you behave in a manner that you are at peace with, the more you will be at peace with yourself. We behave our way to success or failure. There is no wrong that we cannot rise above, but we have to be true to ourselves and those around us at all times, both in public and private. We have to become authentic and honorable to our words, our behavior in order to be at peace.
One of the first steps in healing is to forgive yourself and make amends with those you have wronged. There is a saying, "today is the first day of the rest of your life" and that can hold true in your situation. You can either revert back to the man you allowed yourself to be or move past that man and never allow yourself to go back again.
I'm not sure why you feel the need to do favors with the "other woman", but that can be dangerous. My advice is only to associate with her as far as work. Make it clear to her that you are over and mean it with your behavior. Otherwise, you are sending mixed messages, both to her and yourself. You're either in or you're out. This applies both to the affair and your marriage.
end of rant LOL
I wish you the best ;D
`charmed
Re: I dont think anyone has been through this. oldnshy: By the way, when I say favors I dont mean sexual ones. She will call me and ask to pick her up if car is in the shop, things like that. She will ask me to go out on smokebreaks and go to lunch also. Last night I was out having dinner because the wife is out of town. I go into the local Fridays and in there is this guy from the office that she has been talking to a lot lately with a buddy of his. This guy was a big part of all my suspicions. I'm sitting there talking to him and his buddy and my phone rings. It's the woman from work, "just calling to see how I was doing". Sometimes I really wish I could get to the point where we are just friends and nothing else. Just dont know if I can do that. It seems like nights and weekends I can really stay focused and know I want her out of my life, but then I go to work and see her and the pain comes back. I just keep thinking (Her Name)=Pain......it helps. It almost like even after we agreed all the sexual part is totally over she still wants to be friends. I feel like she is a lot stronger than I am. Oh well, life goes on.
Re: I dont think anyone has been through this. Alone with 3: oldnshy,
I know you are in a quandry with this women now, but she is obviously using you as a saftey net. She's waiting to find the new Mr. Right and got you going as her backup. She knows that she could have you back at any time and from your writing, you sound like that could happen because you are not sounding committed to your marraige. If you love your wife, and I believe you do, then show her the respect of not involving yourself with this woman on any level...keep a work relationship and that's it. Tell yourself, if my wife knew of our affair and then saw us taking a "smoking break" or me taking her to get her car, would she be ok with that? Put yourself in your wife's shoes....if you knew she had an affair with a co-worker, then continued a "friendship" with him, would you be ok with it? This girl is using you now and you know it. I'm not judging you but as an outsider looking in, I think you are playing with fire.
Re: I dont think anyone has been through this. oldnshy: Your so right it's uncanny, and you've affirmed what a lot of others tell me. Her husband was away on business last week as was my wife. She calls me Friday evening to "see how I was doing". She calls me saturday and invites me over to wait at her house before I go to the airport to pick up my wife. (Nothing happened, just played with her kids and watched a movie.) Yes I feel like she wants me there when she wants me there. I honestly feel like she wants to keep the friendship going, but not the other part. At this point I just dont know if I can do that or if I even should. I have never abandoned a friend yet and she may be the first. I find it hard to beleive that she would consciously keep me dangling like she does. Whats really upsetting is trying to figure out why I let her do this me. That tells me I have low self-esteem and insecurity issues big time. I need to stay focused on my wife and my future with her, not the remnants of a bad affair. I sure hope the power of prayer works.............
Re: I dont think anyone has been through this. kirkmail: Nice use of this group.. You sound like you are really doing some soul searching. Keep doing the right thing. As for being a "shlep", I have to keep myself from being a shlep, it ain't always easy, but if you focus on being good person, life is easier.
the other night my friend told said to me (at a bar)... "you know that little devil on my shoulder? Well he's there now, big time! And that little guy on the other shoulder (angel), he's gone!"
keep balance