you left me when i needed the most... mrlament: To My Wife,
Please read this letter with the thought in mind that I never meant to hurt you (perhaps you may want to stop there). While I know intent and unintentional at this point is irrelevant. I have caused you and the children undo and unnecessary pain. I do not deny any of the ills that I have caused. The one thing I want to convey is…well, you stir an emotion in me that I cant quite identify, perhaps its like the song “a thin line”. Again I acknowledge that there is no solace in that metaphor or any other I offer, and I have only recently come to know the real meaning of that song myself. Recent times have left me empty…although the perception of many, not unlike yourself is that I don’t love anyone or anything. This perception is untrue; I do love. Unfortunately I have not often enough been able to convey it in a constant and sincere manor. I do live my life through you and the children…I apologize for expressing this because I know it will only stir the feelings of disdain that you have for me. As hard as it is for me to accept I will probably always feel the way I do towards you. Perhaps it is just another manifestation of my battle with addiction and recovery. But I will always be burdened with the love I have for you; nasty and mean words aside. I said things to you that I regret, I was angry…again I am aware that this is no excuse, nun-the less I do apologize. Perhaps, as you made mention of I just can’t deal with the fact that you are in the arms of another man and have successfully moved on with your life. When in the deepest part of me I always believed we would be together forever. I am learning in the hardest fashion that love is a two way street, and I have almost always been in the wrong lane.
“ A marriage that’s neglected brings pain and bitterness: a marriage that’s daily nurtured brings peace and happiness”- Sper
This is so weird…you are angrier at me now you having left me, than you were when I left you. We could talk on the phone I could come over to visit the girls…I guess the difference between now and then was then you wanted me to come back now you just wish the thought of me would go away. I was with Ysis for two years…you’ve been gone for almost the same period of time and communication between us has gotten worse?
(A light just went on)
Re: you left me when i needed the most... mrlament: I don’t even think that right now at this very moment I fully understand just how far you have moved on and away from me…. It’s hard to believe that I won’t be able to participate in the rearing of my son on a daily basis, or our other children for that matter. I know you will and have said I had that chance and quite frankly if I were your friend, family member or acquaintance I would have advised you to do and live your life just the way you are. What am I saying? I don’t really know I just want you and whomever else you see fit to show this to that every day I miss you, more that you will ever know. I don’t want or expect any sympathy from you, I know you better than that. I just want to say I’m sorry and the things I said were said because I’m in pain, unbearable pain. Sometimes it paralyzes me to the extent that I find it difficult to function. I surround myself with photos and memories, in a sense I am imprisoned by my past both the bad and the good. What remains of me is sometimes unrecognizable…even to me. Sad, yes I know I do not blame you despite what I may say in anger.
“Our sinfulness can sap our joy and make us feel far from the lord: confession and repentance, though provide the way to be restored”- Spere
Re: you left me when i needed the most... mrlament: As Cher once sang “if I could turn back time”…or perhaps “Do you believe in life after love?” might be more apropos - yes I know, that’s my problem. I live partially in the past and partially in the future, as result I tend to piss all over today. I loved you so much, with out that a part of me i'm somewhat damaged (like a part of the brain damaged after an accident) it will never be functional. When I’m out and about I look at everyone I pass and wonder “ dose my damaged image cast a long shadow?” If there were a potion or a spell I could cast over myself it would be to somehow repair the damage. But there isn’t…. No woman, no companion there is no other that can replace the emptiness in me that you and the children leave vacant. Again I say this not for sympathy but for understanding that I’m in constant pain. In the past you always told me I focused on the “good times” not the “bad” well the more time passes I only have recollection of the unpleasant and ill will…my memories of the good times fade and I clutch to them like a drowning man clinging to a thread in an ocean of despair. The thread however thin refuses to break yet because it is so thin provides no grip to pull me from the rolling waves. When I found out you have another, “someone special in you life” it cut like a hot knife through the plastic façade that I put in place to protect me from my worst fears come true. You always said that it was not as you intended when I offered
Re: you left me when i needed the most...in order(sory) mrlament: “what comes around-goes around” but it was not you who coined that phrase nor was it you it was intended for. It was uttered long before we ever met and was intended for me, as a caution, a warning, a foreboding if you will as the moniker I wear like an anchor around my heart…it is the manifestation of my actions in life. If this sounds like one of my dissertations about me, me, and me –it is.
“We must work hard to provide for those that depend on us. Harsh words and criticism are reserved for those who don’t take care of their family”- sper
What manner of madness could ever possess me to drive you into the arms of another, or leave you so vulnerable and lonely to break a vow of love to me – remember? when I’m old and gray? Wearing black socks sandals and shorts. What type of madness is this that I am without my family? – How do you handle losing your best friend, your lover your wife and confidante and three children all at once? Answer:
First you lose yourself. Sometimes the answer to the most confounding queries is the simplest to decipher if you are honest.
Re: you left me when i needed the most...in order(sory) mrlament: “A love found A love lost…. Each night I die another death…. Descending into madness…alone with my own thoughts they scream “this cant be true, this isn’t happening”, but it is infact true. the echo bounces back and back again “ she has found another.” - bf-
You have made strides to come through this (our relationship as it was) and out the otherside, scared but alive. One of my major failings (I had many) was not “worrying about you” because of your strength and resiliency, leaning on you as opposed to being there for you. This is not as much a meaculpa as it is an offering to say sorry, again…. Yes I know it rings hollow and I have no delusions that you will accept any or part of the offering. Why should you?
“GOD grant me the serenity…”
A large part of me dose want you to be happy…I do, despite what you may think. This I know you also consider irrelevant. What I wish for you has no bearing on how you will live your life. Some day perhaps not tomorrow or the day after that I will wake up and not feel the way I do. The night I went to sleep knowing you have moved on in an intimate level I believed I would be able to turn the corner, yet in the
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