Re: you left me when i needed the most... mrlament: “ I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that” is what your actions said. No man will ever love you the way I do nor mean to me what you mean to me, if only my actions rather than lament were evident to prove such a melancholy boast.
I think of you. It is still hard to believe that I am not with you and my family. Yes my head is in a cloud. And as I live and breathe I pray for one thing…. It’s like someone once scribed.
“The best thing about being in love is, well you know... (Yes, I know)
“The worst thing about being in love is, well you know…”(Yes, I know)
“ I had a friend whose faithful love is more than all the world to me: it’s higher than the heights above, and deeper than the boundless sea”- Anon
This morning the sun rose again, just as it has every day since we parted. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night; it is a regular occurrence. I prayed for some things that strangely I don’t remember praying for all that often: I thanked God for healthy children, I thanked him for the strength you posses. I gave thanks that despite the fact that I put in motion the destruction of my family, orchestrated and designed by me, it has not come to fruition. I became content and a sense of satisfaction came over me, and as I quietly wept I recited the serenity prayer and feel off to sleep. I am so, so proud of you I always have been. If I never have you in my arms again I have come to understand you are my soulemate, the Ying to my Yang if you will.
Re: you left me when i needed the most... mrlament: . It is not inaccurate for you to say that you will all ways love me “you’re the father of my children” but it goes beyond that…. At least for me, please try to understand that even though you do not feel the same way. I love you, and as I’m a learning a little more each day love is not something you can see feel, touch, smell, calculate, buy sell or demand, it is something difficult to quantify or even explain to someone other than the person it is felt for. Many times you warned me and advised me of how insignificant all my worldly possessions were especially to you. It has taken your recollections to remind me of how happy we were when we “didn’t have a pot to piss in, nor a window to throw it out of” often literally and on occasion figuratively. I miss the little dance you used to do when you were happy and you heard a song from one of the performances you did in Daytop with Emily…I miss you singing “What’s it gonna be boy, what’s its gonna be…” I miss you yelling “GO TIKI GO!”…Its ok that you don’t watch football too much anymore…I yell it for you, every Sunday. You might be somewhat surprised at what makes me feel closer to you, sometimes it’s the oddest things but I wont delve into them I know they are my thoughts and my fading memories not necessarily yours. When Clark is here he often calls me “Mommy” I used to correct him “DADDY” I would say…now I look and respond to him with a simple “Yes?” I dusted off the Humidor you bought me last night and for some strange reason it remind me of the night you took off your wedding band and threw it across the room, I had so many flashing signs- bright red alerts warning me
“ Bruce, you had better change your direction alter your direction take heed…. You’re going to loose the person who loves to the extent that she would put you before her own mental and physical wellbeing” and yet I drove through them all with reckless abandon, Damn the consequences.
“Ground control to major Tom”-
Re: you left me when i needed the most... mrlament: I don’t even think that right now at this very moment I fully understand just how far you have moved on and away from me…. It’s hard to believe that I won’t be able to participate in the rearing of my son on a daily basis, or our other children for that matter. I know you will and have said I had that chance and quite frankly if I were your friend, family member or acquaintance I would have advised you to do and live your life just the way you are. What am I saying? I don’t really know I just want you and whomever else you see fit to show this to that every day I miss you, more that you will ever know. I don’t want or expect any sympathy from you, I know you better than that. I just want to say I’m sorry and the things I said were said because I’m in pain, unbearable pain. Sometimes it paralyzes me to the extent that I find it difficult to function. I surround myself with photos and memories, in a sense I am imprisoned by my past both the bad and the good. What remains of me is sometimes unrecognizable…even to me. Sad, yes I know I do not blame you despite what I may say in anger.
“Our sinfulness can sap our joy and make us feel far from the lord: confession and repentance, though provide the way to be restored”- Spere