Re: you left me when i needed the most...in order(sory) mrlament: “what comes around-goes around” but it was not you who coined that phrase nor was it you it was intended for. It was uttered long before we ever met and was intended for me, as a caution, a warning, a foreboding if you will as the moniker I wear like an anchor around my heart…it is the manifestation of my actions in life. If this sounds like one of my dissertations about me, me, and me –it is.
“We must work hard to provide for those that depend on us. Harsh words and criticism are reserved for those who don’t take care of their family”- sper
What manner of madness could ever possess me to drive you into the arms of another, or leave you so vulnerable and lonely to break a vow of love to me – remember? when I’m old and gray? Wearing black socks sandals and shorts. What type of madness is this that I am without my family? – How do you handle losing your best friend, your lover your wife and confidante and three children all at once? Answer:
First you lose yourself. Sometimes the answer to the most confounding queries is the simplest to decipher if you are honest.
Re: you left me when i needed the most...in order(sory) mrlament: “A love found A love lost…. Each night I die another death…. Descending into madness…alone with my own thoughts they scream “this cant be true, this isn’t happening”, but it is infact true. the echo bounces back and back again “ she has found another.” - bf-
You have made strides to come through this (our relationship as it was) and out the otherside, scared but alive. One of my major failings (I had many) was not “worrying about you” because of your strength and resiliency, leaning on you as opposed to being there for you. This is not as much a meaculpa as it is an offering to say sorry, again…. Yes I know it rings hollow and I have no delusions that you will accept any or part of the offering. Why should you?
“GOD grant me the serenity…”
A large part of me dose want you to be happy…I do, despite what you may think. This I know you also consider irrelevant. What I wish for you has no bearing on how you will live your life. Some day perhaps not tomorrow or the day after that I will wake up and not feel the way I do. The night I went to sleep knowing you have moved on in an intimate level I believed I would be able to turn the corner, yet in the
Re: you left me when i needed the most... mrlament: I wished it were different. Perhaps as you say I’m sick, sick, sick…love sick, some would beg to differ I can only pray for one thing that will never be mine again, although I know once you have moved on you never look back.
If I am feeling a third of what you felt when I left you and lay with another woman I’m getting off easy. You will always be a part of me, a part that should I sever , will undoubtedly cause me to seas to live. you say I should live for my children, let it be my reason to excel and succeed. I have, as you know been someone who always wanted the whole pie…. And now I have none. I have always wanted to be your champion yet now I have been replaced…I have always wanted a son, be a farther- do things I never had a father to do things with, now I am without his daily love I remember you telling me once you “refused to watch me die in the same manner as your farther”, oddly I recall you only said that to me one time and never again. Again, perhaps you are correct when you say I don’t listen.
“No one knows what its like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes, No one knows what it like to be hated to be faded to telling only lies”-
A failure at every level with no apparent opportunity in sight. So, I just wanted to say I’m sorry, sorry I failed you and the children…. I will hang on to this thread for as long as I can, and if there is any mercy GOD can bestow on me it will snap and I will drown in the sea of despair that I created with the tears of others.
“Whatever a man sews, that he will also reap.”-Galatians 6:7
Re: you left me when i needed the most... mrlament: Its funny, no not funny ha, ha, but funny how my addiction, drug use, overall behavior was always seen by me to be a delicate balance of what I could afford to lose or sacrifice…money, personal objects what have you. I never actually thought my family was something I could ever lose forever. I was almost right, it was the second to last thing, along the way went my pride, my self esteem, my trust, my compassion all things difficult to quantify the value of unless you posses them. Being the materialistic individual that I am I valued the things I could not see feel or touch too little to understand what they meant. Sadly, not only to me but what once was an attribute that I believe made me in part attractive to you. I know I’m no “Denzel” yet I couldn’t see that what you once felt for me was for other reasons than appearance. I spoke to someone who knows and loves us both tonight…they were surprised to see “how far we have come” or “come apart“ as it were. As I tried to explain the malicious words spoken to each other they seemed to dismiss it as words spoken in anger. That’s easy enough to explain except for the fact that once you say something you can not take it back, and I’m ashamed. Ashamed of the calluses formed around your heart as it pertains to me…I was so proud to have you on my arm I felt 5”10inches tall…(just a bit of levity), just a bit. It seems I only have this sense of clarity after I’ve done or acted in an inexcusable manner.
Like the little boy, seemingly so sincere in his apology for painting the neighbors cat red…only to do it next week. I had chance after chance to correct my wrongs. Pardoned, if you will by your love.
Any charm boyish or otherwise has worn thin to nothing, like the last membrane of the onion peel. You
Re: you left me when i needed the most... mrlament: know that old saying “when life gives you lemons”…”make lemonade”…I have served up a bag of rocks, and at times all I can think to do is throw them.
It is at times like this and others that I remind myself of the times you cried in front of me begging me not to use…the times when I came crawling to our door-scratching like a cat in need of shelter and only knowing one hole in a wall - (instinct telling him he will be safe there). Coming off a run and you, bleary eyed and tired let me in…indeed you ran a bath to wash the “grime” off of me, hands, fingers, lips burned and blistered, as though I had undergone some type of ancient torture at the behest of a mad man- I had indeed…I see him every day when I look in mirror. I thought for so long that it was God and his will that kept me alive and well, I have come to believe it has been the devil…. All along preserving me for his amusement - propping me up in the “three piece suits” you so accurately describe. I am truly, though no longer “ getting high” the embodiment of the “undead”. I have nothing to offer nothing to share but misery. Yet still I long for all that I once had, but do not exhibit the patience nor the consistency to achieve it. Do you think that I do not know had I walked a simi-straight line…by now you would have sent for me, given me a 3521st chance to be the man only you and I truly know I can and want to be…do you think I do not know our son was your gift to me to us, the last thing you could show me that you loved me…a son…a son, so that perhaps I could be the father that neither of us ever had. Yet again I failed. At some point in your life you must not only admit your failure but also do something to correct it. I am great at admitting. Further jeopardize your well being, your children’s well being? I think not
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