It has to end. oldnshy: I don’t feel good……..and I need to write and I don’t know if you will ever get the chance to read this. The pain is back again because of our conversation this evening. That little thread of some kind of hope is gone now and it still hurts. Everyone tells me I really am still in love with you and I honestly don’t know if I am. If I fell in love with you so long ago then so be it. The reasons why I did don’t mater, it’s the feelings that were real. I know your right saying it has to be over, but I just don’t know if I can honestly get over this at this point. We have been through this before and now its reared its ugly head again. Like I said before it’s going to take me some time. When I think rationally about all this I know it had to end sometime, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. As far as all the spying goes all I can do is apologize and hope I never do it again with anyone and try and understand why I have never done that with my wife but yet still love her too. I will continue to seek whatever avenue I can to rid myself of that bad quality, and I am working on it. We both know why I did it. Honestly, I don’t know of any man who could see the things I saw and not suspect anything. I have talked to a lot of guys about things you have said to me, things you have done, and they all agree that my feelings were right on, that I was justified for my suspicions. There honestly wasn’t one person that disagreed with me. It doesn’t give me the right to spy but I just felt like I had to know the real truth and felt what you were telling me wasn’t the whole truth. I feel that if I was any kind of emotionally well person I should have walked away back then, but I couldn’t let go and just pushed all those thoughts and suspicions away, but never totally forgot any of them. I have to understand that your feelings started changing a long time ago, no doubt because of my actions, and perhaps that’s why I felt the mistrust the way I did. I still have those nagging feelings that a lot of what you told me wasn’t the truth. I just feel there were tons of “little white lies” that you can tell your children, that perhaps you felt were ok to prevent problems. Even to this day I don’t know what to believe about some things however none of that matters anymore. I know deep down I am not that insecure and feel you being you just elevated it. I guess I feel that if you cared about me you wouldn’t have done those things. Wrong thinking? I don’t know. I know I’m a totally different person than your husband is, and I will never understand how he just totally trusts you the way he does. In my opinion, even with my messed up thinking sometimes, I feel he just doesn’t care one way or the other. I hope some day that you can experience what it’s like to be totally loved by someone, someone who is a real soul mate and would do anything in the world for you within their power. I honestly felt that way about you. Perhaps someday you will find that person that is somewhere in between his indifference and my obsessiveness and lack of trust. I hope someday that you will take the time, when life allows it, and explore what you have called your issues. Everyone deserves to be happy and life is way too short to not be. Don’t ever just settle….it’s not worth it. Don’t blow that off, read it again. DON’T SETTLE!
Of course I will miss those “times” with you and they will always be a wonderful memory, some of the very best in my many years of life. I will do my personal best to be friends and continue to support you no matter what. If I have bad days now and then please forgive me, I know it will happen however I KNOW they will eventually go away. My life has been total hell for the past few years with way more pain than any one person should have to endure and it’s time to change that. I have never cried so much, even when my mother and grandmother died. PLEASE do not give me any “mixed messages” that you care any more than just a friend. God knows sometimes the slightest bit of attention gets my mind wandering. PLEASE don’t do any type of flirting what so ever with me. Please do not leave me candy bars, do not mention sex around me, don’t close your office door to tell me about you pads and thongs and until I get over all this please don’t rub any of your flirting with others in my face. I know you will continue to do it because your you, just please don’t do it in front of me. I know as a friend you will respect that. As a friend to you I will apologize for any pain and anger that I have caused. I am truly sorry for causing those feelings within you. I will wish you the best and you and your husband and your family will continue to be in my prayers. I only want the very best for you and I mean that. And now it’s time to say goodbye to that relationship and look forward to the day when I can be your best friend and not still want you in that other way. Thanks for the memories CXXXXX, I will never forget you, never.
Re: It has to end. shabz: Wow!!! Aren't you glad this is over? You should be. Move on Oldnshy and have a happy life with the wife. It's in the office and it's going to be difficult, but please keep your head down. I don't know, but I bet you she's is going to 'tease' you with her flirting. It will break your heart, but you will get over it when you realise that you were just another victim. Sorry if I am being judgemental, but your letter says so much about the other person's character.
Re: It has to end. Lynn: Wow Shy,
If you're still out there let us know how you are. Been a member for awhile but just got around to reading your post.
Hugs,
Lynn
Re: It has to end. oldnshy: It's been very very difficult since I posted that letter at best, however I have come to realize many things with the help of a good therapist. I know it's not this woman I want, or wanted, but some other thing I have no doubt been searching for. My jealousy over what the woman did, and continues to do, is subsiding. I no doubt will never know if she cheated on me or not, and thats not the point anymore. My wife is where I belong and I need to learn to appreciate her even more than I do, and show it. I know she needs this. The other woman still wants to be "friends", which basically means go to lunch and have smokebreaks together. I did slip once and regret it, especially after finding out that 10 minutes after we parted that evening she called the other guy I have been jealous about. I have also come to realize that the other woman is loaded up with all kinds of issues, especially intimacy, and is basically histrionic. So all at the same time she is married, cheating on her husband with me, and playing very very heavy flirting games with a couple of guys at work. (Found out she even flashed one guy as a going away thing.) I confronted her about it and of course she totally denied it for a while. Gave her 5 or 6 attempts to tell the truth and she finally did, I think, after my prodding. Anyway, I don't belong with her and have a very hard time telling her no in regards to lunch. I try and make up excuses why I can't go. I need to really get into the no-contact thing. At this point the only thing I really feel for the "other woman" is sympathy. What's strange is that I actually feel a bit guilty about not even wanting to be her friend. Loyal to a fault perhaps? Life goes on, life gets better...........thanks for checking up on me.